When Love Looks Like a Multiple Choice Quiz

The morning started off roughly between us.  He didn't know I had slept poorly, I was still in bed when he had to get ready for a half-day of work, and I was really annoyed by all the noise he and the kids were making as they got ready for their day.  When I commented that he was so loud, he said he was sorry but he had to get ready for work.  Then he left the room, but didn't close the bedroom door.  When he came back in a few minutes later to let me know he was leaving for work, I turned away and ignored him.  So he went to work.  I laid there thinking how rude he had been to not even ask if I wasn't feeling well or hadn't slept well.  Then I got up and started my day.  

By the time he got home for lunch, I had gone back to bed with my door closed, so tired from insomnia the night before, not really hungry, and just interested in being left alone.  I heard him come in the house, get himself and the kids their meal together, and pondered how I felt.  "He doesn't love me."  That was my primary thought, followed by, "He prioritizes work over our relationship.  I don't matter."  But then I thought, "I'm going to give him a chance to prove me wrong." 

"Let's see, if he wants to show me he loves me, he'll:

1) Come in and check on me, because it's unusual that I would be in bed at this time of day.

or

2) Come in just to put his work things away and let me know he'll keep the family quiet so I can rest.

3) Come in and offer to make me lunch and bring it in to me."

Yes, I really was giving my husband a litmus test on whether or not he loved me, unbeknownst to him.  Really mature, right?

But then I realized how unfair I was being.  Yes, perhaps my expectations for the morning hadn't been met.  Perhaps he didn't perfectly communicate a loving connection before going to work.  But I was ignoring the 20+ years of marriage which is full of evidence of his love for me.  And I decided it was unrealistic to put specific options in my mind for him to fulfill to make it up to me how I felt he had behaved in the morning.  So I added a third option.

"4) Other."  My husband was free to express his love to me in other ways besides what I thought I would prefer or thought I deserved.  His other usually comes in the form of helping me around the house, giving me a break from the children, or a number of other gestures which are thoughtful and done to help me in some way.

Ideally, I might like it if my husband filled my desire to be loved in all the ways that I prefer, but to expect that always is unrealistic.  And it's also selfish of me to have an uncommunicated expectation.  He knows my love language, and I have told him what really communicates love to me many times.  But those ways are not a box in which I should confine my husband.  Instead, from now on, I hope I can choose to look at the ways my husband is expressing his love for me in ways "Other" than how I imagine he should.  He is a unique individual, and I want him to express his love to me in the ways that only he uniquely can.

Yes, I decided, I would be willing to accept option #4) Other.  So I got up, went into the kitchen and ate lunch with my family without a chip on my shoulder or unrealistic expectations, and I'm glad I did.

I Could Never Do That! - Military Life Edition

I hear it all the time.  I meet a civilian, we have enough conversation for them to find out I’m the wife of a soldier, and then they exclaim, “I could never do that!”  I know it’s meant as a compliment.  I say it about women who have served in the military.  I could never do that.  Sometimes I say, “You’re a tougher woman than me!”  I have no desire to be so disciplined about my fitness to be able to keep up with the requirements of the Army.  I’m much happier letting my husband do that.  (When he would describe to me the things he was doing to prepare for a PT test, or a battalion run he was going to have to get up early for, my response is often, “better you than me.”  I have no desire to hold a job that requires me to be physically fit.)

But my other thought when people say they could never be married to a military man is, “I bet you could.”  The reasons I can are many.  I love our story of why.

My husband and I were married for six years when he realized the Army needed chaplains and he wanted to pursue it.  God had prepared me for this exact announcement in 2004.  We were doing ministry at a small church in Illinois with wonderful people that we love.  We happened to be going through “40 Days of Purpose” with our congregation, based on Rick Warren’s book, “The Purpose Driven Life”.  As much as we both loved discipling people in the church and reaching out to the unchurched in our community, we felt God’s call to a different context where more outreach might be possible.  As we asked existing Army chaplains and other soldiers questions about what the job would be like, everything clearly lined up with my husband’s areas of giftedness.  It truly excited us both to see these opportunities.  Because my husband is in a job that God has undoubtedly equipped him for, and because he thrives in this role, I can do this.  I’m blessed by being able to support his ministry.  It brings me joy.

It also brings me joy to be living this adventure.  As a young girl, I learned about myself that I loved to explore, travel, try new things, try all kinds of food, and get to know all kinds of people.  God prepared me for this calling years before I ever met my husband.

Another time people have often told me they could never do what I do is during a deployment.  We have experienced two long deployments in our career so far, and multiple times when he’s been gone for field training exercises, or deployment preparation with his unit at the National Training Center, or gone on temporary duty for training specific to his career path.  I’d estimate out of our 14 years in the Army so far, we’ve been apart over 3 years.  We had two small children when we began, so I know well what it is to manage a home and children alone.  While I haven’t enjoyed having to take on the responsibilities of our family without him, I have been grateful for the growth in me that God shaped in those times.  I truly have become a better mother, more patient and gracious, because I was the only one at home for long stretches of time.  

In addition to that, I am confident sending my husband to a danger zone because I know his ministry is needed.  We have shared a passion for ministry since we met.  Not only do I know my husband is doing something he’s good at, but I want him to support our troops with everything that he offers as a chaplain.  Yes, there is a risk that my husband might not come home safely, and that would be devastating for me.  I really struggled with saying goodbye for the second long deployment, because it had barely been a year since he had returned from his previous one.  But, I came to terms with it this way - if God allows my husband’s life to end, I will take comfort in knowing that my husband’s purpose in life was completed.  If he comes home safely, God has more work for him to do.  It doesn’t completely take away the fear, but it is my mantra of resolve.  

“I could never pick up and move my family every few years!  How do you do it?”  My response?  “I could never live in the same place I grew up my whole life without travelling and exploring all the time!”  I love our country.  We have fully taken advantage of the different places the Army has stationed us and explored nearby national parks and monuments, area attractions, local cuisine and diners, and learned about the history of the areas.  It is fascinating, enriching and educational.

I love getting orders for a new place and researching the opportunities and resources there.  I love the challenge of making another house a home.  I love purging things we no longer need before (and after) a move.   

Also, I love all the friends I’ve made.  God has wonderful people in every place He sends us.  As early as our first duty station I learned that I would enjoy getting to know a person even if it was for just an hour of conversation and I never saw them again.  Listening and sharing with that person enriches my life because I learn something, and hopefully they do from me too.  So I don’t close myself off from relationships.  God wired me to be interested in all kinds of people.  I love learning what makes them unique, and what their experiences have been, and sometimes finding things in common.

But still, me being a soldier?  I could never do that!

Enhancing Your Marriage

Last Spring semester, a friend and I led a group of ladies through this wonderful Bible study on marriage, "Enhancing Your Marriage" by Judy Rossi.  It takes 12 weeks of 5 days/week of work to get through the study, and I recommend doing it with a group, to help you stay motivated to keep at it.  If you have ever done an in-depth study such as one by Beth Moore, or "Experiencing God", you will know to expect to look up a lot of verses in the Bible, and do a lot of writing and note-taking in your book each day.  The rewards are worth the work! 

What I specifically appreciate about this study is how much time she spends on leading the reader to study who God is.  If you understand His unlimited power and ability and love, you realize any issue in your marriage, big or small, can be handled with His help.  I am currently going back through the first five chapters where she discusses the nature of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, because it was a lot to take in then, and I want to soak it in more slowly.  Hopefully I'll retain more this time through!

The ironic thing for me in this study was, while the book asked questions to apply principles to my marriage relationship, I found myself being convicted more in the area of parenting!  It happened over and over throughout the class!  I'm sure it had to do with the fact that my husband was deployed to Iraq for the first two months of the class, so he wasn't too hard to get along with then.  But also, my husband is quite mature and patient with me, so even with him home, our marriage issues often stem from my own shortcomings!  So her newest study, "Raising Responsive Children" may have to be my next venture!

This study is applicable to any married woman, whether newlywed, married for many years.  It could also prove helpful to a single woman or engaged woman looking forward to marriage in the future, or even a divorcee, or widow hoping to remarry.  Judy Rossi also does an excellent job of making the material applicable to Christian women who have unbelieving husbands.  This is a very common situation, and she handles how to act in this type of marriage very well.

With marriages under so much strain, and being considered so easily discardable by so many, this study is a valuable resource for any group of women looking to enhance their marriage.  I highly recommend it for all!

Waffles and Spaghetti anyone?

Recently I had a chance to hear Bill & Pam Farrel speak on their book, "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti". I had heard of the book before, and was amused by the title, but never had picked it up to read. I have been exposed to so many great Christian books on marriage, and figured it would be more of the same. I was wrong!

From their presentation, I gained several practical how-to's for better communication. For example, if you are a wife trying to draw out communication from your husband, you should learn how to go into his box and stay there, and listen to him, and repeat back key phrases. I recommend reading the full explanation on this from the book.

Also, their explanations of how men and women think differently are illustrated so well, and so uniquely that it made even more sense to me having been explained differently. Did you know that we as women sometimes tend to cut the walls between the waffle boxes down in our husbands' brains? That doesn't work well, because then the syrup all runs together, and it's now how God intended for them to process things! God's design for the way we each think differently was a very good design, and we need to learn about each others' differences, and accept and appreciate them, and the benefits of our two differing approaches to life.

To view a video clip of their presentation that I heard, go here.

I thought that Mark Gungor's "Laugh Your Way to A Better Marriage" series was my favorite resource, and it still is, but the Waffles and Spaghetti book, as I call it, has definitely come to the forefront of my recommended resources!

My husband is home from 15 months in Iraq!

My husband loves me!

This bouquet came today.  It's almost as big as my husband is.  Not really.  The vase is huge, and this thing is really heavy.  I was telling my oldest, who acted as my photographer, "Take the picture quick!"

Merry Christmas Everyone!

For Women Only

I just finished reading this excellent resource for wives. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is married, newly or seasoned. Not only is it well-researched and well-presented information, but it's dealing with topics that other marriage resources I've encountered don't cover.

Shaunti Feldhahn has explained with real quotes from real husbands, and with real examples why men are the way they are, what makes them tick, and what they really want their wives to know. She conducted two in-depth surveys of all kinds of married men around the country with the help of a survey expert. The results were a surprise, even to her! Her discoveries presented here give wives the tools they need to understand their husbands, to relate to them in inspiring and encouraging ways, and to how to accept the way their husbands show love to them.

You can see more about her book, and additional resources she recommends at her website, http://4-womenonly.com/ . My husband has read her other book, "For Men Only" and found it highly beneficial as well!

The Power of a Praying Wife

In this post, I again take the risk of boring many who may have heard of this resource years ago. However, I still find it a valuable resource, and know that it continues to make an impact in the marriages of people around me.

In The Power of a Praying Wife, Stormie Omartian has written 30 chapters, each covering a topic for prayer that a wife can pray for concerning her husband. There are a few pages giving examples and explanations on the topic, followed by a pre-written sample prayer, then followed by related Scriptures. Since there are 30, it's the perfect format for praying one topic per day of the month. I would never come up with these specific matters for prayer on my own: his finances, his purpose, his trials, his priorities, his walk, his talk, his faith, his future, etc. Nor would I be able to come up with the specific prayers that Mrs. Omartian writes. Yet, when I read them, I can agree that they are valuable for bringing to God's throne, and pray them for my husband.

This is a great book for any wife, newlywed or otherwise. For me, God used this book to make a huge impact on my marriage. Instead of being critical of my husband and trying to change him like I did in the first couple years of marriage, I began to change my attitude to being less selfish, and to letting God do the changing that He deemed necessary.

Stormie Omartian has also written other books in this series, including "The Power of a Praying Husband", "The Power of a Praying Parent", "The Power of a Praying Woman", "The Power of Praying", and others. For the last month, I've been utilizing the prayers in the "Wife", "Parent" and "Woman" books for my guide in prayer time. Now it's June 1st and time to start back at the beginning again. So enhance your marriage, your parenting, or your life by using these resources to inspire you to pray and let God work in your life and the lives of others. Here is Stormie Omartian's website: http://www.stormieomartian.com/

The Five Love Languages

If you're familiar with this book, you might think, "Hasn't everyone heard about this book or at least the concepts presented in it?" I'm sometimes surprised by people who haven't heard of it. Personally I think the concepts Gary Chapman identifies and describes in his book are revolutionary in relating to anyone.

He identifies five primary love languages that each person has - some may have more than one that is primary and everyone has some that are secondary. Your love language is the way you feel loved by someone else, and often the way you show love to others. The languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Perhaps you can identify yours from this simple list. The book goes into great detail and examples of how people with each love language feel loved and give love. If you can identify this about yourself and your spouse; or about anyone in your family or circle of friends, it will help you understand and appreciate your differences with them, and therefore relate to them better.

My only criticism of his book is that I think he left out a 6th love language - tasty food. I feel very loved when my husband takes me to a yummy restaurant or cooks me a delicious meal. I feel loved when someone invites us to their home for a meal, or delivers a tasty treat. I love my family by creating pleasing dishes for them to enjoy. I love myself by ordering Papa John's pizza, or getting a mint chocolate chip hot fudge sundae, or by eating a Reese's peanut butter cup. Food definitely speaks love to me. And, just for the record, I am not overweight because of it.

If you'd like to specifically apply these love languages to other relationships besides your marriage, and want extra details and examples, you can check out Gary Chapman's other Love Languages books. "The Five Love Languages of Children", "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers", "The Love Languages of God", "The Five Love Languages: Men's Edition", and "The Five Love Languages of Singles". His website is http://www.garychapman.org/

What does your flag look like?

Recently, my husband did a marriage conference, in which he used some DVDs by a guy named Mark Gungor.  He has a ministry called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage".  Now, the DVD's themselves are worth purchasing if you're married, and sharing with all your married friends.  They're funny, Christian, and have a unique perspective on understanding your spouse and how to make your marriage last.  Mr. Gungor's website is http://www.laughyourway.com/

Now, on to the topic of purpose:  as part of this ministry, there is a profile quiz you can take to understand yourself better at http://flagpage.com/.  It costs $10 (or maybe it was $12) to do the quiz and get the results, but they are very interesting.  It's very unique in the way the quiz only takes a few minutes to do, how it displays your results, and the kinds of things it tells you about yourself.  For example, there are 4 countries you might be from.  The control country, the fun country, the perfect country, and the peace country.  You usually have tendencies strong in one area, and somewhat strong in another area.  For example, I'm a Fun-Perfect.  Primarily the way I express myself is as if I were from the Fun country, but sometimes I visit the Perfect country.  Anyway, I don't have the mental capacity to figure out how to explain it in further detail, but I do want to recommend you check it out.

One interesting application of the flag page is for parents to understand their teens.  It can really help them to better relate to their teens, and also help teens understand their own personalities.  I'm really impressed with both this man's ministry for married couples, and the flag page tool (which a friend of his created - he's only helped to make it known and put it out there.)

Hope this encourages someone or provides someone with a resource that is helpful!